this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize