come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
