It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
