So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
