Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
