I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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