marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
