I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
third nipple confirmed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
