3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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