Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
