I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize