He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
