New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
