we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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