ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
