Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
