For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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