Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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