I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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