The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
