if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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