I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
