I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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