I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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