Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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