i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
