i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
