I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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