The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
