I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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