i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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