ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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