If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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