so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
