Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
