he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
