I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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