Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
