I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
