The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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