I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
