I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
