What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
