she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
