I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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