can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
