My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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