im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
