I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
