What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
how drunk are you?
Several
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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