I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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