For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
