I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
