I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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