can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
