I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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