Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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