Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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