Small penises have feelings too.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
